CHOOSING LOVE OVER SHAME

16 Dec 2024

“There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer, no disease that love will not heal, no door that enough love will not open.  It makes no difference how deep set the trouble, how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle or how great the mistake.  A sufficient realisation of love will dissolve it all. If only you could love enough you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world.”

THE BODY WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST BEFORE THE MIND.

Four weeks ago, I was set to embark on one of the most memorable and exciting times of my life.  We had decided to elope in the beautiful surroundings of Bellingen, in natures paradise, The Promised Land.   It was a simple, easy, and effortless lead in to our wedding with zero stress or turbulence, easy flow, and minimal spend.  

It was beautiful.  Upon arrival to our treehouse accomodation we were greeted with the abundance of nature, quiet surrounds, good food, and a great vibe.  We loved it and spent the next few days immersed in this place getting ready for our wedding on Monday.  

All went to plan and we were looked after incredibly well by Nic, from Fox and Kin, who arranged our elopement with our beautiful and quirky celebrant, Fred.  

The day was stunning, the leaves were dripping with a sweet mist from the gentle rain on the day, making the promised land seem like it was something from a movie, we got married in the crystal clear waters, drinking champagne and then getting naked for a skinny dip after the ceremony in the surrounding area…it was truly magical and a day that I will never forget. 

Not less than two weeks later I was nearly killed as I got T boned at 60ks an hour.  

The shift in emotions and my thoughts, from that moment to when I was hit, is an experience that has been significantly challenging over the last few weeks, and this is where I would like to share how important it is to engage compassionately to yourself, especially when the universe throws everything at you.

My husband had been secretly looking at cars, yellow MGs to be exact, since our wedding, and unbeknownst to me, he had purchased a car around the corner from us at an MG dealer.  

We had just finished having brunch with my parents and I had an off feeling in my gut but couldn’t place my finger on what it was.  After driving home, we called past the dealer, drove in and was surprised with a new car…It was an incredibly humbling moment as I was filled with awe, excitement and gratitude as I accepted this kind gesture.

This moment was something that I had never expected, but what happened, next you wouldn’t read about it. 

As I was driving out of the car yards driveway, I waited to watch for a break in the busy stream of traffic, that road is notorious for being quite dangerous as cars park right next to the entrance to businesses, sometimes making it hard to see oncoming traffic.

As I went to go, I had missed an oncoming ford ranger encroaching at around 60ks an hour, that next became the most terrifying and frightening moment of my life. 

As I sped out of the driveway, I looked to my right to see the driver of the grey truck nearly at my door.  All I could see then was her bumper, her confused and uncertain expression, then impact on the drivers side door.  Everything for me in that moment became still. 

I had two things go through my mind in that incredible moment.  

One - This is it, and I’m done.

Two - Surrender and let go.

I felt two things unfold in my body as the bumper of her car collided with mine.  I felt I was lifted or held in that moment from a higher power where I felt safe and unhurt.  My body went loose as i let go of any tension, gripping or grabbing in that moment and allowed  it all just to happen. 

The impact of the vehicle with my car was significant and I was flung in all directions as my body went with the movement of the accident.  

I didn’t feel anything and can’t recall much about that moment, my body had gone fully down the autonomic hierarchy to freeze state so that It could protect me in that moment.

Probably the most challenging part of this scenario is that my husband was behind me watching every single part of that unfurl.

What he experienced that day was exponentially worse than what I did.  The trauma of seeing my body get thrown in the car upon impact will stay with him for a long period of time.

It’s worth mentioning before I go on that we have both had a few more big hits from the Universe that have led me to taking some off, pausing, to reset my own nervous system and quality of my thoughts. I wont go into detail as to what has happened, but for both of us, there have been huge changes, pivots, and traumatic events that have been not only a challenge on us, but on our very new, and three week young marriage.  

You may notice this happen to you on a bad day, if we sit in negative thoughts we keep experiencing tidal waves of similar things, until we decide to change the way we see it. 

They say that getting married is the happiest time of your life, it “should’ be blissful, filled with the honeymoon feels and gooey, sexy and sweet moments.

Well, ours was a little different.  But I also know all of the above has happened for a reason, and if you look at it a certain way, has and (will be) a gift that I will be for ever grateful for.

The day of the accident, as mentioned my autonomic nervous system (ANS) went from feeling safe, secure and calm, to frozen, dissociated, and shut down.  

When we are at ease, our bodies are sitting in the ventral vagal system of our ANS, we can feel gratitude, appreciation and kindness for self and others, we are relaxed in our bodies and have accepting, and uplifting self talk.  Our digestive system and organ function is peaking, we heal, and our bodies are mechanically in a space where they are doing what they need to do for a healthy body and mind. 

Let me take you on a short journey of what happened in my ANS the moment the car got hit that day.  The autonomic hierarchy is a ladder system, described in more detail with the Poly Vagal theory, that explains how the branches of the autonomic nervous system works.   

There are two branches of our parasympathetic system ; Ventral (immobilised with safety) and Dorsal (immobilised with fear), in the middle we have what’s called our survival state, known to all of us, as fight flight, or Spinal Sympathetic (mobilised with fear). Think of this like a ladder (See below diagram)

When we are faced with real threat, such as a lion chasing us, a potential car accident, child running across the road, or getting swept out to sea, our bodies move from ventral, down the ladder into Survival mode, or activation. Fear is activated in our bodies, we go into tension or protection mode, shoulders elevate, hips go into tension, and our jaw locks. The body does not digest food or body fat here, and blood moves to the limbs to run or fight the oncoming threat.  Blood pressure, heart rate, adrenaline and cortisol all go up to help us stay alive in presence of the threat.   

It’s important to note here that the moment we go into Survival mode or Freeze, that our thoughts then move into fear based energy.  We can’t feel higher vibrational thoughts such as love or compassion here and move to frustration, anger, jealousy, rage, shame, unworthiness, guilt and blame.  Our bodies also close, meaning we don’t digest food, heal, or burn body fat.  Think about it, your body believes it is under threat so no need to function if you are being chased by a tiger. 

If the threat is too big for us, such as what happened to me, a traumatic experience, or past event that we are still reliving in our minds, then the body goes from ventral, down the ladder to Fight Flight, and when it recognises that the situation is life threatening, it uses the last response of the ANS, Dorsal state to shift the body into freeze.  This happens in micro moments and is absolutely fascinating how the body knows what to do. 

This is our bodies natural protection mechanism and is what the ANS is meant to do.  We unfortunately as humans, tend to live in constant states of fight flight sending us into stress, reactivity and anxiety.

Freeze state is very different to stress, the body does the opposite to survival and shuts down.  This state is known as immobilised with fear, there is absolutely nothing we can do and the body is now looking after us so we don’t die.  The heart and lungs are barely breathing here, heart rate, blood pressure , adrenaline and cortisol all go down, the body becomes limp and soft, muscular tension disappears, and once again, digestion and fat burning come to a halt. 

This is the body’s only chance to survive the trauma and is a necessary and needed state for our safety when faced with the big things.  Hence why when we experience trauma at any age, it’s highly likely you will not remember the details of the event as your body has dissociated from it to protect you.  

The event however stores in your cells and it is then our journey and work to befriend the traumatic event over time, learn what we can from it and do what we can to not hold a belief or story about that moment that keeps us in a negative and harmful vibration such as shame, guilt or blame.   

Anything stored in the body with the energy of these emotions WILL have a physiological expression from the digestive system out if we do not do the work to look at this moment in time with love, forgiveness and compassion. Ultimately releasing the samskara (impression) so that it is not stored within us.  I talk on this deeply in my book and how this can be done. 

In my book, Watch YA Language, I go into depth about how the emotions of shame, guilt and blame,  affect not only our vibration, but the physical experience in our bodies moving forward. For now, I’ll give you a short explanation on how it was so important for me not to hold on to that moment or choose to blame myself for what unfolded. 

That day was spent in absolute shut down, my body moved into shock and despair as I took into consideration what had unfolded and how it was even possible to move through so many emotions in such a short period of time. 

For the day, and a few days after, I experienced deep guilt and blame, my self talk was that of not feeling enough, completely undeserving and unworthy of anything. This was an old, very well practiced story that I spent nearly 30 years solidifying and giving energy to, for a large part of my life.  It was easy for me to fall back here, as my brain knew this story well.  

Because my body had fallen into freeze state, I couldn’t access the neural pathways that could feel compassion, I was completely shut down, dissociated and numb and couldn’t feel a thing.  Our dialogue in this state is “I don’t know” “I cant feel” “I’m not sure” “I don’t deserve”.   You see this often with our kids these days as too much tech, too much screen time, and too much social media send them into heightened states of stress, anxiety and self-doubt that they burn out and become a shadow of themselves, and their behaviours match then same. 

We find it hard to make eye contact here, our body is fully closed and we just want to pull the covers over our head and disappear.  Life feels too much and we struggle to receive help from others and push people away including those we love. 

As I moved past the shock and from freeze, into fight flight, thoughts of guilt, blame, shame, and anger became increasingly loud and I then started to feel what was brewing inside of me.  My husband came down the next day to the studio and made me put on the gloves to punch it out, get angry, and cry so that I could release what I was feeling and express it safely.   

To move energy out, we literally need to feel to heal, hence why when we numb or run from feelings we only push it down deeper, and it is then known as a ‘trigger”.  This gets re-ignited as you move through life and comes up when you are reminded of that moment.  Your body is then believing that you are living that moment again, and you go on the roundabout of emotions unless you work with clearing it out, by feeling what you need to feel and expressing it safely. 

Triggers stay in the body like your mums linen closet.  They are moments we have chosen to hold onto with our willpower and they take up precious storage space in our brain.  Each moment you hold onto takes energy from you.  You end up tired, cranky, angry, judgemental and exhausted because your closet is too full.  We are the only ones that can throw out the old tea towels and sheets, so that we don’t live a life full of tension and stress.

It was that day that I made a choice to not hold onto that story and create a new one around having compassion for what unfolded with myself. To choose to hold my body in a place of love so that it would not store in my body and affect the state of my mind and thoughts.

Hold tight, we are nearly there :)

We have two choices when events unfold.  Things happen and there is nothing we can do about it. They say that only sometimes you can change the environment, but ALWAYS you can change your mind.   Remember that what unfolds around us has nothing to do with us unless we make it personal.  

What other people do, say or behave, again is what is a reflection of their own state and vibration and our job is to understand that we do not have to take it on board. 

We have no idea why things happen the way they do and I could have chosen to see this two ways.

The lower choice.

The world was out to get me and I’m a terrible person who has done something bad. I have just written off a brand new car that was a gift from my husband. This would lead me down a path of shame and its one of the lowest vibrations we can sit in.  My body would stay living between the two survival states, activation and freeze, and I would struggle to return my nervous system back to ventral as my body is still living in this moment. 

This would cause not only digestive issues in my body, hip and lower back issues, but steamroll a myriad of thoughts revolving around not feeling enough, worthy or deserving.  This is where we create inflammation in the body which leads to sickness and dis-ease.

Two

The higher choice

To surrender all of the above and trust that I was being looked after.  I literally walked out of there completely unharmed and from what my husband witnessed, that was nearly impossible.  By choosing love and forgiveness for this event, I not only look after my body and help it move back to a ventral state in my nervous system, but allow my body to heal from the trauma and look for the lesson rather than stay in the blame. 

My dialogue here becomes kinder to myself allowing me to be grateful that I survived, open to what I can learn, and forgiving of myself for what unfolded.  This is essential for keeping my thoughts in a higher vibrational state and my body back to a balanced and healing space. 

If I choose to go with option one, not only do I take a journey of self sabotage, but those around me will suffer.  When we are living in shame, guilt or blame we believe that we are unworthy and unconsciously push others away. Our behaviours become erratic and unfamiliar, and we shift into a place where we don’t care about ourselves, our actions or behaviours.  We are constantly reactive, jealous, angry, resentful or righteous and become defensive, fearful and worried about things that are out of our control.

We live in the past and the future ,and miss out on what’s unfolding right in front of us.  This is not a healthy place to live, and as you may know, I spent nearly three decades of my life doing this by giving power to the belief that I didn’t feel enough, I chose an eating disorder and self harm as a way to punish my body for how I felt inside. 

It’s not the thoughts that are the issue, it’s the energy behind the thoughts that create more of the same.

WHAT EXACTLY IS OUR HEALTH?

Have a look at the triangle of health here -

https://www.charliehealth.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/6407a28a0f0c221fbe3accd8_Thoughts-4-1.webp

This is one of the best descriptions I have ever heard from a good friend of mine, Trent Chapman.  We shared this model when we went to speak in schools in NZ for mental health to help the kids understand what happens when we stay sitting in thoughts that don’t serve us.

The same goes for you and me. 

We can CHOOSE to stay seated in low vibe thoughts that will keep us stuck, unregulated and fearful of what may come.  We worry about the future, find it impossible to trust others, get lost in what we “should” have done and find it difficult to love and respect our body. 

OR…

We choose to come from a place of love and surrender.  NOTHING in this universe is in our control and the less time we spent focusing on what we can try to change, fix or improve, the more we have time to focus on trusting the process, having fun along the way,  and recognising that its all unfolding for us, not to us.  

There is a huge difference with what this does to our bodies and my message to you is that when things become challenging, and you are faced with enormous change and discomfort, that you still choose to have compassion for yourself.  Your choice to do this not only affects you, but the little ones around you.  People are always learning from you and how you treat yourself.

If we want to see change in those around us then we must be the change ourselves.  Rather than try and fix, mend, or change another, be the change you want to see and surrender the rest up to a higher power.  God/universe/source/ whatever you call it, is here to help us on our journey forward and we are NOT here to live a life that is backed with the energy (vibration) or shame, guilt or blame.  

If we give power to the above, this is then passed down to our kids, leaving them to believe that what we did, is how they are meant to move forward in life.  The opposite is also true. 

Our bodies need us and our job is to be grateful and appreciative that we have this incredible vehicle to protect us, take us places, allow us to have these experiences and feel!  

I could have had a completely different outcome that day, and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to write this blog.  We are both on our way back from a well needed holiday to help reset both of our bodies after so much stress and trauma.  It was needed and necessary for us to do this so we could both look after ourselves, and the businesses we run. 

I believe big things happen so that we can take a big reality check as to how we are choosing to see life unfold.  We become so lost in the day to day that we forget just how amazing it is just to be here.  I wholeheartedly think it was an absolute blessing that this unfolded (and the other events) for it has been a huge wake up call as to my own vibration and what I was choosing to see.  

I’m not going to say it’s been easy, because it hasn’t. This has undoubtedly been the most challenging month of our lives with moments that have been filled with reactivity, explosive arguments, emotional struggles and unkind words.  It’s also been, in reflection, an opportunity to sit with what’s uncomfortably unfolding and check in with how we move forward from here and what we want to create moving forward.

We are always creators and we choose our experience with our thoughts.   They say it takes 16 seconds to turn a thought into reality if we give it energy for longer than the above time.  So when we sit in shame for a day, three weeks or nearly three decades, like I did, then we can expect a life that matches that vibration.   People around us will be hard to trust, we will have events unfold that are constantly challenging, and we will believe that the universe is out to get us. 

If I choose to spend my time in worry, doubt, guilt or fear, I am untimely creating a life with people, experiences, and actions that will match the quality of my thoughts.

The opposite is also true.  If I spend my time in thoughts of acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude and love, I then will be rewarded with a life that mirrors how I feel.  I see people, experiences and situations from a place of love not fear, and rather than get caught up in what’s unfolding around me, I’m able to stay present and focused on what I want to create for myself and my relationships. 

This is easier said than done of course, and hence why its so important to do whatever we can to help our ANS return back to a ventral state as quickly as possible when events happen, so that we are not living in stress, worry, doubt, and fear.  

When our bodies feel safe the mind will follow, it’s as simple as that.  But we all know how hard this is as we have practiced fear most of our lives with the conditioning from media, television, social apps and politicians. Our job as humans is to cue the body back to safety with our breath and gentle reminders that we are ok.  

This, like riding a bike is a practice that is still something I am working on.  I don’t have it perfect, but I can tell you it has become easier over time, and I can now recognise when I am in fight flight or freeze, and do what is needed and necessary to help my body back to a safe state so I don’t experience thoughts such as shame, guilt and helplessness. 

I hope that this resonates with you and you can use the below breath work and meditation as a guide and daily practice to slowly help you also communicate with your body that in this moment  that you are now safe. 

“If your thoughts can make you sick, and they can, then is there the possibility that your thoughts can make you well”

Dr Joe Dispenza

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